Fear Sells

In the last month, what have you bought because you were afraid?  If you’re like me, your knee-jerk reaction is to say, “Nothing!  I don’t buy things because I’m afraid.”  You probably believe that all your choices and actions are based on well-founded logic, and that your emotions don’t drive your actions.

But what about being afraid that other people won’t like you?

What about being afraid that you won’t meet a goal?

How about being afraid that you can’t make the changes you want to make?

What about the fear of being stuck where you are and never getting out?

All these fears are sold to us on a daily basis.  Mark Manson writes, “A capitalist system markets to everyone constantly, therefore it promotes a society where people constantly feel inadequate, and inferior.”  We are told that we’re unhappy because we don’t own this product.  Or we are sold the idea that we can’t succeed at our goals without this special item.

The number one reason people abandon diets and budgets is not because they can’t reach their goal.  People give up when they make a mistake, that mistake leads to a fear of failure, and that fear leads to the decision to give up.

People don’t give up on goals because they can’t achieve them, but because they are afraid they won’t be able to achieve them.  Fear is what prevents people from improving their lives.  And yet we are sold fear by marketing agencies and even our government.

How would our country, our cities, our families, and even our individual lives be different if we took the time to build up and encourage ourselves and others, and to break the cycle of fear?  How would our need to buy change if advertisers were forced to use absolute truth in their commercials?

What if marketers had to admit that, by the time you got home, you would already know that what you bought wasn’t able to make you permanently happy?

What if people could stop speeding to work out of fear of a job loss, because they had no debt and had money in savings?

Where would we be as a society if, instead of telling people to acknowledge and fear other races, our government stopped mentioning race altogether, but simply served all its people?

Would you treat others differently if they treated you like a friend instead of an adversary?  Would they treat you differently if you did likewise?

How would your life be different if you held onto the truth that the life you have is already beautiful, without the constant purchase of gimmicks and status items?

Take 60 seconds today to think about one thing in your life for which you are grateful.  If you struggle to think of something, then take a minute to stand outside and look at a tree, the sky, running water, or a flower, and appreciate the beauty we still have in the world.

“The antidote to fear is gratitude.”  Tony Robbins

The Expense of Minimalism

As soon as a movement appears its opposition starts picking it to pieces.  This is true of minimalism.  One of the recent arguments against minimalism is that it’s too expensive.  The most minimalist gadgets are far from affordable, so how can anyone possibly afford to be “truly” minimalist?

The truth is, there are some costs to minimalism.  But to help you navigate the financial requirements of being a minimalist, I have endeavored to collect a list of what you need to either purchase or already own to be minimalist.  Here goes.

1. A bowl.  Minimalists do eat, so you do, in fact, need a piece of dinnerware in order to be a minimalist.  I picked up my bowls from the Dollar Tree before being gifted a dinnerware set for my wedding.  Or you can buy this tiny, $36 million bowl.  Either way, you can eat very well out of one bowl, as proven by Food Network’s article delineating 88 One-Bowl Dinners.
2. A bed.  This one is probably up for debate, as there are minimalists who don’t own a bed.  However, owning a bed does not preclude you from being a minimalist.  In fact, my husband and I own a very expensive bed from Sleep Number.  But you aren’t required to own an expensive bed, either.  Joshua Fields Millburn, one of the two kings of minimalism, actually owns a bed, though I have no idea how much it cost him.
3. Clothes.  This is another item that is up for debate.  MapMuse hosts lists of nudist colonies by state in the US.  However, in most cities and, indeed, countries, clothing is required to be worn in public by law.  Do you have to buy this really ugly minimalist dress for $3,410 from La Garconne?  No, thank God, you don’t.  You can take a page out of Jessi Arrington’s book and wear a different outfit every day, or you can wear the same 33 pieces over and over with Project 333.  Whether you choose to shop vintage, consignment, or designer, clothes are a basic necessity for nearly all minimalists.
4. Transportation.  Yes, the Tesla is the car of choice for…well…just about everyone right now.  Especially since Elon Musk offered to cover all expenses to repair a car belonging to Manfred Kick, who damaged his Tesla to save another driver’s life.  Kudos to Mr. Kick.  However, you don’t have to spend $60,000-$100,000 on a car to be a minimalist.  Lots of us get around on our feet, a bicycle, public transportation, or even a fully-paid-for Toyota Corolla.

That about completes my list of what you really need to have to be a minimalist.  I recommend a few other items, like a toothbrush, deodorant of some sort, and maybe a backpack to carry your 15 things…bearing in mind of course that Andrew Hyde has only one of the four above items in his list of minimalist necessities.

I Am Happy

I am happy.

Like most people, I fell into the daily grind.  After moving back from Japan – what I call my Neverland experience – I went to work paying on credit cards and hoping to meet the man that would start my life fulfilling all the promise I had been told for years that it held.  From the ages of 27 to 33, I lived.

Just as many people who grew up in church, I felt like I didn’t quite love God enough, but I was trying.  I felt like I had no reason not to be happy, but although I wasn’t unhappy, I wasn’t happy.  I lived day to day trying to do and be what I was supposed to do.

When I was young, well-meaning friends of my mother would occasionally tell me that God had an amazing plan for my life.  They failed to qualify “amazing,” and so I kept looking for it, expecting a bolt-from-the-blue experience that would tell me I was finally on the right path.  You may not be surprised to learn that it has never happened.

I was already 29 by the time I had my first boyfriend.  I wasn’t against dating, but I refused to date anyone I didn’t think I would marry for the first 29 years, and then realized I was nearly a decade older than my mother had been when she married, and the “chastity until marriage” idea seemed farcical.  I knew one girl from my church that was still a virgin at that age.  Even my sister, who had not had sex before marriage, married at 21.  I had already put off any sexual activity 9 years longer than her and my mother – easily twice as long as they had after puberty.

It seems impossible to talk about growing up without talking about sex.  But it had little impact on my life as I moved forward.  At 33, I met the man I would marry two years later.  We were friends first, and then dated, and married.  He was not the “strong Christian man” that I had been told to look for.  He was simply a person – what almost all men are – living his life in the way he thought right.

On the last day of our honeymoon, I received several phone calls, and upon calling my brother back learned that my sister had had an aneurysm burst.  She survived the event, but a series of strokes and medical issues left her severely injured and bedridden for over three months.  Her young sons were prevented from seeing her for over a month while she was in the ICU.  Over time, she has regained function in the left side of her body, but remains severely limited on the right.

The injury brought a shift to our priorities, and my husband and I decided to move closer to family.  He sold his company stocks to pay off our remaining debt, and we sold his house and purchased one with cash in Kansas City.

Today, we make about two thirds of the income we made before relocating.  But the lack of mortgage, an emergency fund, and being closer to family have had several positive impacts on our lives.  I miss being able to see my younger brother for coffee on Saturdays, but the shorter drive to my sister and parents allows me to have a closer connection with them and my nephews than was possible before.

My husband and I are not rich by American standards, but we are in the top 10% of wealthiest people in the world, simply because we own our home and have no debt.  We argue about details now and then, as most couples do, but do not have fights about major issues because we work together to decide what we want the future to look like – at least I think we do!

And then, a few weeks ago, I realized I was smiling a lot.  I mean, a lot.  I am almost never not smiling lately.  When I was in high school, people would occasionally ask me what was wrong, and when I would reply nothing and why they would say, “You’re not smiling.”  I haven’t smiled that much since high school.  In fact, I don’t think I’ve been happy since high school.

But I am happy now.  I am not happy because my life is perfect, but because… I have hope.  I do not feel like I’m failing God because I’m not fulfilling a Mother Theresa-scale “calling.”  In fact, I have come to the conclusion that, well-meaning though it may seem, telling children they are going to do something great for God is a horrible burden to place on them.

I could not be happy if I believed I was shirking some important calling from my creator.  I am not a person who feels comfortable with mediocrity.  But I do believe that I’m where I should be, doing what I am meant to be doing in this moment.  Should God call my husband and me to make another change and redirect our work, then at that time, I am confident we will follow those instructions.

The relief of not having to constantly be looking for the next good thing, or figuring out how to juggle a financial or emotional mess is immeasurable.  For the first time in a long time, I do not labor under the stress of feeling that I have to do something amazing with my life.  I’m allowed to just be happy.

Nice Guy Fail ... ?

Remember how I said I was going to be super upbeat on my Facebook page and only post positive stuff?  Well, yesterday I failed.

Lizard Boy told me about a TSA agent he works with who was spat on in a gas station parking lot.

Let’s examine this: An individual, presumably United States citizen, sees a man getting gas in a TSA uniform, and proceeds to approach and spit on him for something she thinks the President is trying to do.  This woman spat on a man who works in a thankless job day in and day out trying to prevent passengers on planes from being exposed to any malicious danger, and is concurrently spat on because of an executive order by a man he has never, and probably will never, meet.

I blew up a little.

You could argue that I made a bad situation worse.  But to quote Invader Zim:

Zim: I put the fires out.
Tallest: You made them worse!
Zim: Worse…or better?

Did I have the right to swear toward that woman on Facebook?  Absolutely.  Did she have the right to spit on that agent?  Absolutely…not.  Actually, that’s physical assault.

So now we have people committing assault because they are too ignorant to understand that individuals work for the government: people.  While they may represent a branch of the government, they aren’t the government.

There is a lot of protesting going on in the US right now.  Some of it has turned to violence.  Some of it is giving our country a bad reputation.

The truth is, there isn’t a right side and a wrong side.  As in every disagreement, there is value to each position.  Right now, though, we have one group of people saying – yelling in some cases – that they’re right and any other statement is wrong.

Part of what has kept this country from getting breaking down in the past has been the fact that our society encourages new opinions and ideologies, and doesn’t punish individuals for speaking out.  Abraham Lincoln is credited with saying, “You can please all of the people some of the time, and you can please some of the people all of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.” 

Therefore, it is a given that at points in our country’s journey, we are each going to be unhappy with an aspect of our government from time to time.

This should not be a surprise.

When I was a kid, this was the country where anyone could become the President.  The only thing that you needed was determination and the willingness to work hard toward your goal.  Today, though, it seems that is no longer the case.  Today, we have celebrities throwing tantrums and inciting riots because they don’t like the President.  We also have people protesting peacefully, doing the only thing they know to do to support people they feel are being marginalized.  One of these is a valid form of expression while the other is not.

I want to challenge my country to stop making an idiot of itself.  Before you repost something on Facebook, check a couple of unbiased news sources, like NPR or BBC, to find out the validity of it.  Before you stand in a group and block traffic to make a point, make sure that your sign says what you mean, and doesn’t simply slur other races.  Before you pick up a brick, or loot, or spit at another human being, stop and ask yourself, “Is this going to help the individuals of my country, or am I just throwing a tantrum and haven’t thought of a better way to express myself?”

I blew up on Facebook.  But in this case, expressing anger on behalf of an individual who was assaulted for the clothing he was wearing was the right thing to do.  It was as valid as standing with women who feel they have been marginalized, even though you your self have not felt marginalized. 

I’m challenging you, United States citizens and individuals of every nationality, to do the right thing.

Lazy Grazing

The variety of apps available for meal plans is staggering.  I’ve used a website to track my fitness, and it worked great.  The problem?  I hate taking the time to add in all my data.

If you were to tell me that I had to use one of those apps or die, I would probably go ahead and die.  Truthfully, my minimalism and my credit-cardlessness are both effects of this laziness.  If I don’t have a lot of stuff, I don’t have to tidy often.  If I don’t use credit cards, I don’t have to track them and make sure they’re not charging me fees out the wa-hoo.

So why should my food be any different?

My mother loves Weight Watchers, and I love their motto, “Eat to live, don’t live to eat.”  But what I don’t love is having to figure out how many points I get, how many points I’ve used, and how many points I have left.  For thousands of people, it has helped them get their weight on track.  To me, that just sounds like homework.

In reality, I want to be able to just say “yes” or “no” to food without having to think about how much or how often.  Enter the easiest “diet” ever.

Disclaimer: I hate the word “diet.”  I have a long history with diets, not because I’ve gone on them, but because I have a family member that has been on a diet since before I was born.  I don’t weigh myself, except to mark milestones, and I don’t “try out” different diets.  So moving forward when I say “diet,” I am only referring to the pattern of food consumption which one follows, not to a specific copyrighted plan.

In my opinion, Paleo, the Caveman Diet, or Processed-Food-Free, is the laziest diet ever.  And that’s why I love it.

Most diets tell you how much, when, and how many.  My personal introduction to Paleo came in three forms, and my favorite is on NerdFitness.com.  The winner in his explanation is where he explains that you can literally eat vegetables all day and never get fat.

I am an avowed grazer.  I don’t eat large meals, and I follow the philosophy of “stop eating when you’re full.”  Have you heard the expression that “if you sigh when you’re eating it’s your body trying to make more room in your stomach”?  Whether or not it’s true, hearing that expression helped me learn to be conscious of when I was full.  It started with recognizing that deep sigh when I was eating, and moved on to a viewing list full of documentaries about food production in the US.

You could say I have something of an addictive personality.

The thing is, gluten is a gateway drug for me.  If I eat cake, I want more cake.  If I eat cheese, I want more cheese.  If I eat vegetables, I want more vegetables.  Like being vegan, buying gluten-free processed foods leads to an over-consumption of sugar and starch, and ends up with me feeling like I just ate a big old stack of cardboard.

So while those fancy apps with their daily calorie counts look like a great option, an item is only effective if you use it.  Going back to being lazy is the best option for me.  

Saturday Short: Minimalist Stress Relief

The way to reduce stress is not by taking a break, it is by getting something done.

KonMari and Dave Ramsey’s Baby Steps

I was listening to the Dave Ramsey Show podcast on my way to work this morning, which is a habit of mine, and it occurred to me that there are some striking similarities between my favorite method of decluttering and DaveRamsey’s 7 Baby Steps.

Dave Ramsey’s Baby Steps is the most effective method I’ve heard of getting out of debt, and worked for me and my husband, as well as thousands of other families.  Marie Kondo’s KonMari method is the most effective method of decluttering permanently that I’m aware of.  But what makes them particularly effective, where so many other programs show moderate results, might be connected.

First, let’s talk about the processes for each program:

Dave Ramsey’s 7 Baby Steps tells you to stop borrowing money, then list all your debts smallest to largest.  Once you are current on all bills, you save $1,000 as a starter emergency fund, then pay off each debt smallest to largest with great intensity until all your debts are gone.  After you are debt-free except your mortgage, you then save up to a have a three to six-month emergency fund.  When your full emergency fund is in place, you then put 15% of your paycheck into pre-tax retirement.  Those are steps 1-4.  Steps 5-7 include saving for kids’ college, paying off the house, and building wealth while giving money away.

Marie Kondo’s KonMari method tells you to gather together everything by category, not by location, starting with your clothes.  That means pulling all your clothes – tops, bottoms, underwear, shoes, coats, and even bags – into one pile and taking stock of what you have – much like Ramsey’s method of listing out all your debts.  In her book, The Life-ChangingMagic of Tidying Up, Kondo explains that we have the least emotional attachment to our clothing, and that is why we start there.  It is much easier to decide whether a pair of underwear sparks joy than Aunt Penny’s old crystal decanter.  KonMari then tells you to hold each item in your hand and feel whether or not it “sparks joy.”  Kondo talks about feeling a little lift when you touch something that brings you joy.  Following this method of holding every item, you then proceed through in the correct order: Books, Papers, Miscellaneous, Mementos.

The similarities aren’t apparent until you look at the process and the drivers.

Ramsey repeatedly tells his listeners he wants them to “get mad” at their debt.  His focus is on an emotional reaction to what is causing the financial lethargy.  Kondo also aims for an emotional reaction, which she calls “sparking joy.”

The takeaway: Change happens when you recognize an emotional reaction.

Ramsey has listeners start with the smallest debt first, not the highest interest rate.  The reason behind what some would call a mathematical mistake is simple: easy wins early on make the program easier to continue.  Likewise, Kondo tells her readers to start with clothes, because they typically carry the lowest emotional connection – that’s the underwear analogy.

The takeaway: Aim big, but give yourself some easy wins early on.

Ramsey has his listeners get rid of all their debt first, instead of investing, saving, and paying off debt.  The reason is simple: the faster you get it done, the more likely it is to stick.  Likewise, with Kondo’s plan she says “Tidy all at once and completely.”

The takeaway: Concentrated effort results in permanent change.

Finally, Ramsey talks to his listeners a lot about having “a big Why.”  His point is that making change is virtually impossible if the reason for change doesn’t feel bigger than the effort of changing.  Likewise, Kondo tells her readers to imagine their perfect environment, and have a very clear, very strong image of how they want their home to look and feel.

The takeaway: A powerful reason outweighs a perfect plan every time.

 For me, the takeaway is more powerful: programs that work universally, regardless of age, gender, race, or nationality, have specific aspects in common.  The most effective way to make a change is remember why you’re changing, and set yourself up to succeed early on.

Marking Time

I shot past my one-monthiversary of this blog without even realizing it.  When I started writing about a month ago, I found that I had time on my hands and no outlet for my constantly-working brain.  Combined with several unpublished books I've written and some big plans this year, it felt like the thing to do.

All of a sudden, I had two weeks worth of content, despite pretty much a zero readership.  Which is fine.  In life, things usually start slowly.

But what struck me upon realizing that I've been going at this blog for a month - about 28 days longer than any other blog I've started - was the realization that we do a lot of time marking.  Lizard Boy will be turning 40 next month, we're coming up on our 2-year anniversary, I've been doing the Orphaned Entertainment podcast with my good friend, Christopher, for over four years...

How are we supposed to balance this idea of marking time and setting goals with being present?

I find myself constantly making plans for the future.  In February I have to celebrate my husband's birthday, in May our anniversary, in June I have a convention to attend, in November I have an international race to run...planning for these things preoccupy so much of my time that I often escape to give other people advice, rather than think about my own plans.

The moment I stop to be present - to feel my heart beat; to let my arms, legs, neck and hands relax; to look out the window at what I can see right now - I feel myself grow calm and peaceful.  A two-minute meditation drops my heart rate significantly, and I find that I can breathe easily and focus more readily on this moment, without feeling pressured to plan for next week or month or year.

Even though I know I have training to plan, a film to watch, a birthday to plan for...all these things shrink back to perspective when I take a moment to breathe, to be present, and to take note of how my body feels.  That alone is worth making time to sit in silence and be in the moment, no matter how much time that moment may take.

An Exercise in Letting Go

My parents stayed with us this weekend, and I promised myself that, as soon as they left, I would start training.  I sometimes casually mention that I’m doing a big run this year – either by saying, “I’m going to Argentina,” or, “I need to train for Patagonia.” 

It wasn’t until today, however, that I linked my physical fitness to minimalism.  What happened today?  I received an email that featured a minimalist wallpaper with the following quote:

One Day or Day One.  You decide.

It clicked into place for me the fact that, like my Maria Von Trapp list of favorite things, the fat on my body, my bones, and my muscles, are all things I get to choose whether or not to keep.  (Yes, kittens and warm woolen mittens are on my list, but that’s beside the point.)

The realization that Patagonia isn’t merely a once-in-a-lifetime event, but the opportunity to change my future physical health, has been lurking in the back of my mind for a while.  My friend, who we’ll call Kiwi Girl in the theme of the blog, has already done two 250-kilometer races, so I get to benefit from her advice.  But she can’t train from me.  And nothing I learn from her will help me if my body isn’t conditioned to carry 25 pounds for 25 miles a day over six days.

Training for a big event is not new to me – I ran a half-marathon in 2010 – but this is beyond anything I’ve done before.  I knew that I will be seeing a major physical transformation between the time I begin training and the actual race in November.  I also know that, if I maintain that physique, I am likely to live longer, better, and more fully.

I started training on Monday – two 20-second planks may not sound like a lot to many people, but to some, like Lizard Boy, it seems not only difficult, but wholly distasteful.  After talking to my brother, though, I realized that this thing I’m training for isn’t a 20-second-plank kind of race.  So yesterday I did nine reps.  Today I’ll to 10 at 30 seconds.  I’ve already done three, so seven more doesn’t sound so bad.

But the training itself is really just a means to an end.  Like paying off debt is the jump-start to living a debt-free life, Patagonia is the jump start to living a healthy, active life.  Like cleaning the house doesn’t keep it clean, neither does running a race keep your body fit.

This particular post probably won’t go down in the hall of fame as best-written posts on this blog.  But I wanted to remember what it was that made me realize that, like my possessions, my body is something I own.  I can choose to keep it like it is, or I can let go of the things that have made me feel cluttered; the extra pounds and the weak muscles; and I can replace them with something more valuable to me, that I take care of and that continues to spark joy in my life.

I’m tired of saying “one day.”  Today is Day One.

(Technically Day Three, but it doesn’t have the punch that last line has.)

Teaching to Tidy

I've always hated cleaning my room.  But it was only recently that I realized I wasn't taught how to clean my room, only that I should.  It took several years - decades, really - to develop a practical way in which I could tidy my room without getting distracted.

Over time, I learned that I had to do cleaning in stages.  If I picked something up to put it away in an otherwise messy room, I would often get tripped up and distracted by the item or something else I came across.  The key is to group items into one "thing" each and deal with one thing at a time.

If you, like most parents, struggle to get your kids to clean their rooms, remember that they need to be taught how to do it, not just that they should.  Try practicing these steps with your kids to teach them how to tidy:

1. Put everything from the floor and horizontal surfaces on the bed. Everything.
2. Sort into categories: Clothes, Soft Toys, Hard Toys, Other Rooms, Trash.  Trash goes into the bin.  Each of the other three should go to a designated spot, ie. top of dresser, bed, left corner behind the door, etc.
3. Pick one category and put it away, starting with clothes.  Dirty clothes go in the laundry basket, clean clothes get folded and stacked.  Put away the clean clothes after they’re all folded.  If you fold and put away items one at a time, it is too easy to be distracted.  This is a great time to teach your child, or yourself, how to fold clothes properly.
4. Continue picking categories and putting them each away, saving “Other Rooms” for last.
5. Finally, make the bed.

In five steps, your child's room is tidy and you can move on to what's next in your day.

At first, this will take a lot of chaperoning and you will have you repeatedly redirect your child to the task at hand.  That's okay, and even normal.  Don't get frustrated with your child's difficulty focusing at first.  If your child gets through this process without having to be redirected, rejoice in the fact that your child may be the next Marie Kondo.

Have your children practice this method of putting things away every day at a consistent time for about a week - try setting an alarm on your phone to remind yourself.  Once you no longer spend much time redirecting, you can let your child tidy their room on their own.  Having taught them the simplest way to keep from getting distracted, they will quickly become super stars at tidying their rooms.