Nice Guy Fail ... ?

Remember how I said I was going to be super upbeat on my Facebook page and only post positive stuff?  Well, yesterday I failed.

Lizard Boy told me about a TSA agent he works with who was spat on in a gas station parking lot.

Let’s examine this: An individual, presumably United States citizen, sees a man getting gas in a TSA uniform, and proceeds to approach and spit on him for something she thinks the President is trying to do.  This woman spat on a man who works in a thankless job day in and day out trying to prevent passengers on planes from being exposed to any malicious danger, and is concurrently spat on because of an executive order by a man he has never, and probably will never, meet.

I blew up a little.

You could argue that I made a bad situation worse.  But to quote Invader Zim:

Zim: I put the fires out.
Tallest: You made them worse!
Zim: Worse…or better?

Did I have the right to swear toward that woman on Facebook?  Absolutely.  Did she have the right to spit on that agent?  Absolutely…not.  Actually, that’s physical assault.

So now we have people committing assault because they are too ignorant to understand that individuals work for the government: people.  While they may represent a branch of the government, they aren’t the government.

There is a lot of protesting going on in the US right now.  Some of it has turned to violence.  Some of it is giving our country a bad reputation.

The truth is, there isn’t a right side and a wrong side.  As in every disagreement, there is value to each position.  Right now, though, we have one group of people saying – yelling in some cases – that they’re right and any other statement is wrong.

Part of what has kept this country from getting breaking down in the past has been the fact that our society encourages new opinions and ideologies, and doesn’t punish individuals for speaking out.  Abraham Lincoln is credited with saying, “You can please all of the people some of the time, and you can please some of the people all of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.” 

Therefore, it is a given that at points in our country’s journey, we are each going to be unhappy with an aspect of our government from time to time.

This should not be a surprise.

When I was a kid, this was the country where anyone could become the President.  The only thing that you needed was determination and the willingness to work hard toward your goal.  Today, though, it seems that is no longer the case.  Today, we have celebrities throwing tantrums and inciting riots because they don’t like the President.  We also have people protesting peacefully, doing the only thing they know to do to support people they feel are being marginalized.  One of these is a valid form of expression while the other is not.

I want to challenge my country to stop making an idiot of itself.  Before you repost something on Facebook, check a couple of unbiased news sources, like NPR or BBC, to find out the validity of it.  Before you stand in a group and block traffic to make a point, make sure that your sign says what you mean, and doesn’t simply slur other races.  Before you pick up a brick, or loot, or spit at another human being, stop and ask yourself, “Is this going to help the individuals of my country, or am I just throwing a tantrum and haven’t thought of a better way to express myself?”

I blew up on Facebook.  But in this case, expressing anger on behalf of an individual who was assaulted for the clothing he was wearing was the right thing to do.  It was as valid as standing with women who feel they have been marginalized, even though you your self have not felt marginalized. 

I’m challenging you, United States citizens and individuals of every nationality, to do the right thing.

Lazy Grazing

The variety of apps available for meal plans is staggering.  I’ve used a website to track my fitness, and it worked great.  The problem?  I hate taking the time to add in all my data.

If you were to tell me that I had to use one of those apps or die, I would probably go ahead and die.  Truthfully, my minimalism and my credit-cardlessness are both effects of this laziness.  If I don’t have a lot of stuff, I don’t have to tidy often.  If I don’t use credit cards, I don’t have to track them and make sure they’re not charging me fees out the wa-hoo.

So why should my food be any different?

My mother loves Weight Watchers, and I love their motto, “Eat to live, don’t live to eat.”  But what I don’t love is having to figure out how many points I get, how many points I’ve used, and how many points I have left.  For thousands of people, it has helped them get their weight on track.  To me, that just sounds like homework.

In reality, I want to be able to just say “yes” or “no” to food without having to think about how much or how often.  Enter the easiest “diet” ever.

Disclaimer: I hate the word “diet.”  I have a long history with diets, not because I’ve gone on them, but because I have a family member that has been on a diet since before I was born.  I don’t weigh myself, except to mark milestones, and I don’t “try out” different diets.  So moving forward when I say “diet,” I am only referring to the pattern of food consumption which one follows, not to a specific copyrighted plan.

In my opinion, Paleo, the Caveman Diet, or Processed-Food-Free, is the laziest diet ever.  And that’s why I love it.

Most diets tell you how much, when, and how many.  My personal introduction to Paleo came in three forms, and my favorite is on NerdFitness.com.  The winner in his explanation is where he explains that you can literally eat vegetables all day and never get fat.

I am an avowed grazer.  I don’t eat large meals, and I follow the philosophy of “stop eating when you’re full.”  Have you heard the expression that “if you sigh when you’re eating it’s your body trying to make more room in your stomach”?  Whether or not it’s true, hearing that expression helped me learn to be conscious of when I was full.  It started with recognizing that deep sigh when I was eating, and moved on to a viewing list full of documentaries about food production in the US.

You could say I have something of an addictive personality.

The thing is, gluten is a gateway drug for me.  If I eat cake, I want more cake.  If I eat cheese, I want more cheese.  If I eat vegetables, I want more vegetables.  Like being vegan, buying gluten-free processed foods leads to an over-consumption of sugar and starch, and ends up with me feeling like I just ate a big old stack of cardboard.

So while those fancy apps with their daily calorie counts look like a great option, an item is only effective if you use it.  Going back to being lazy is the best option for me.  

Saturday Short: Minimalist Stress Relief

The way to reduce stress is not by taking a break, it is by getting something done.

KonMari and Dave Ramsey’s Baby Steps

I was listening to the Dave Ramsey Show podcast on my way to work this morning, which is a habit of mine, and it occurred to me that there are some striking similarities between my favorite method of decluttering and DaveRamsey’s 7 Baby Steps.

Dave Ramsey’s Baby Steps is the most effective method I’ve heard of getting out of debt, and worked for me and my husband, as well as thousands of other families.  Marie Kondo’s KonMari method is the most effective method of decluttering permanently that I’m aware of.  But what makes them particularly effective, where so many other programs show moderate results, might be connected.

First, let’s talk about the processes for each program:

Dave Ramsey’s 7 Baby Steps tells you to stop borrowing money, then list all your debts smallest to largest.  Once you are current on all bills, you save $1,000 as a starter emergency fund, then pay off each debt smallest to largest with great intensity until all your debts are gone.  After you are debt-free except your mortgage, you then save up to a have a three to six-month emergency fund.  When your full emergency fund is in place, you then put 15% of your paycheck into pre-tax retirement.  Those are steps 1-4.  Steps 5-7 include saving for kids’ college, paying off the house, and building wealth while giving money away.

Marie Kondo’s KonMari method tells you to gather together everything by category, not by location, starting with your clothes.  That means pulling all your clothes – tops, bottoms, underwear, shoes, coats, and even bags – into one pile and taking stock of what you have – much like Ramsey’s method of listing out all your debts.  In her book, The Life-ChangingMagic of Tidying Up, Kondo explains that we have the least emotional attachment to our clothing, and that is why we start there.  It is much easier to decide whether a pair of underwear sparks joy than Aunt Penny’s old crystal decanter.  KonMari then tells you to hold each item in your hand and feel whether or not it “sparks joy.”  Kondo talks about feeling a little lift when you touch something that brings you joy.  Following this method of holding every item, you then proceed through in the correct order: Books, Papers, Miscellaneous, Mementos.

The similarities aren’t apparent until you look at the process and the drivers.

Ramsey repeatedly tells his listeners he wants them to “get mad” at their debt.  His focus is on an emotional reaction to what is causing the financial lethargy.  Kondo also aims for an emotional reaction, which she calls “sparking joy.”

The takeaway: Change happens when you recognize an emotional reaction.

Ramsey has listeners start with the smallest debt first, not the highest interest rate.  The reason behind what some would call a mathematical mistake is simple: easy wins early on make the program easier to continue.  Likewise, Kondo tells her readers to start with clothes, because they typically carry the lowest emotional connection – that’s the underwear analogy.

The takeaway: Aim big, but give yourself some easy wins early on.

Ramsey has his listeners get rid of all their debt first, instead of investing, saving, and paying off debt.  The reason is simple: the faster you get it done, the more likely it is to stick.  Likewise, with Kondo’s plan she says “Tidy all at once and completely.”

The takeaway: Concentrated effort results in permanent change.

Finally, Ramsey talks to his listeners a lot about having “a big Why.”  His point is that making change is virtually impossible if the reason for change doesn’t feel bigger than the effort of changing.  Likewise, Kondo tells her readers to imagine their perfect environment, and have a very clear, very strong image of how they want their home to look and feel.

The takeaway: A powerful reason outweighs a perfect plan every time.

 For me, the takeaway is more powerful: programs that work universally, regardless of age, gender, race, or nationality, have specific aspects in common.  The most effective way to make a change is remember why you’re changing, and set yourself up to succeed early on.

Marking Time

I shot past my one-monthiversary of this blog without even realizing it.  When I started writing about a month ago, I found that I had time on my hands and no outlet for my constantly-working brain.  Combined with several unpublished books I've written and some big plans this year, it felt like the thing to do.

All of a sudden, I had two weeks worth of content, despite pretty much a zero readership.  Which is fine.  In life, things usually start slowly.

But what struck me upon realizing that I've been going at this blog for a month - about 28 days longer than any other blog I've started - was the realization that we do a lot of time marking.  Lizard Boy will be turning 40 next month, we're coming up on our 2-year anniversary, I've been doing the Orphaned Entertainment podcast with my good friend, Christopher, for over four years...

How are we supposed to balance this idea of marking time and setting goals with being present?

I find myself constantly making plans for the future.  In February I have to celebrate my husband's birthday, in May our anniversary, in June I have a convention to attend, in November I have an international race to run...planning for these things preoccupy so much of my time that I often escape to give other people advice, rather than think about my own plans.

The moment I stop to be present - to feel my heart beat; to let my arms, legs, neck and hands relax; to look out the window at what I can see right now - I feel myself grow calm and peaceful.  A two-minute meditation drops my heart rate significantly, and I find that I can breathe easily and focus more readily on this moment, without feeling pressured to plan for next week or month or year.

Even though I know I have training to plan, a film to watch, a birthday to plan for...all these things shrink back to perspective when I take a moment to breathe, to be present, and to take note of how my body feels.  That alone is worth making time to sit in silence and be in the moment, no matter how much time that moment may take.

An Exercise in Letting Go

My parents stayed with us this weekend, and I promised myself that, as soon as they left, I would start training.  I sometimes casually mention that I’m doing a big run this year – either by saying, “I’m going to Argentina,” or, “I need to train for Patagonia.” 

It wasn’t until today, however, that I linked my physical fitness to minimalism.  What happened today?  I received an email that featured a minimalist wallpaper with the following quote:

One Day or Day One.  You decide.

It clicked into place for me the fact that, like my Maria Von Trapp list of favorite things, the fat on my body, my bones, and my muscles, are all things I get to choose whether or not to keep.  (Yes, kittens and warm woolen mittens are on my list, but that’s beside the point.)

The realization that Patagonia isn’t merely a once-in-a-lifetime event, but the opportunity to change my future physical health, has been lurking in the back of my mind for a while.  My friend, who we’ll call Kiwi Girl in the theme of the blog, has already done two 250-kilometer races, so I get to benefit from her advice.  But she can’t train from me.  And nothing I learn from her will help me if my body isn’t conditioned to carry 25 pounds for 25 miles a day over six days.

Training for a big event is not new to me – I ran a half-marathon in 2010 – but this is beyond anything I’ve done before.  I knew that I will be seeing a major physical transformation between the time I begin training and the actual race in November.  I also know that, if I maintain that physique, I am likely to live longer, better, and more fully.

I started training on Monday – two 20-second planks may not sound like a lot to many people, but to some, like Lizard Boy, it seems not only difficult, but wholly distasteful.  After talking to my brother, though, I realized that this thing I’m training for isn’t a 20-second-plank kind of race.  So yesterday I did nine reps.  Today I’ll to 10 at 30 seconds.  I’ve already done three, so seven more doesn’t sound so bad.

But the training itself is really just a means to an end.  Like paying off debt is the jump-start to living a debt-free life, Patagonia is the jump start to living a healthy, active life.  Like cleaning the house doesn’t keep it clean, neither does running a race keep your body fit.

This particular post probably won’t go down in the hall of fame as best-written posts on this blog.  But I wanted to remember what it was that made me realize that, like my possessions, my body is something I own.  I can choose to keep it like it is, or I can let go of the things that have made me feel cluttered; the extra pounds and the weak muscles; and I can replace them with something more valuable to me, that I take care of and that continues to spark joy in my life.

I’m tired of saying “one day.”  Today is Day One.

(Technically Day Three, but it doesn’t have the punch that last line has.)

Teaching to Tidy

I've always hated cleaning my room.  But it was only recently that I realized I wasn't taught how to clean my room, only that I should.  It took several years - decades, really - to develop a practical way in which I could tidy my room without getting distracted.

Over time, I learned that I had to do cleaning in stages.  If I picked something up to put it away in an otherwise messy room, I would often get tripped up and distracted by the item or something else I came across.  The key is to group items into one "thing" each and deal with one thing at a time.

If you, like most parents, struggle to get your kids to clean their rooms, remember that they need to be taught how to do it, not just that they should.  Try practicing these steps with your kids to teach them how to tidy:

1. Put everything from the floor and horizontal surfaces on the bed. Everything.
2. Sort into categories: Clothes, Soft Toys, Hard Toys, Other Rooms, Trash.  Trash goes into the bin.  Each of the other three should go to a designated spot, ie. top of dresser, bed, left corner behind the door, etc.
3. Pick one category and put it away, starting with clothes.  Dirty clothes go in the laundry basket, clean clothes get folded and stacked.  Put away the clean clothes after they’re all folded.  If you fold and put away items one at a time, it is too easy to be distracted.  This is a great time to teach your child, or yourself, how to fold clothes properly.
4. Continue picking categories and putting them each away, saving “Other Rooms” for last.
5. Finally, make the bed.

In five steps, your child's room is tidy and you can move on to what's next in your day.

At first, this will take a lot of chaperoning and you will have you repeatedly redirect your child to the task at hand.  That's okay, and even normal.  Don't get frustrated with your child's difficulty focusing at first.  If your child gets through this process without having to be redirected, rejoice in the fact that your child may be the next Marie Kondo.

Have your children practice this method of putting things away every day at a consistent time for about a week - try setting an alarm on your phone to remind yourself.  Once you no longer spend much time redirecting, you can let your child tidy their room on their own.  Having taught them the simplest way to keep from getting distracted, they will quickly become super stars at tidying their rooms.

Dinotopia Taught Me

In the children's book, Dinotopia, there are eleven laws which the newcomers must learn to join society.  Aside from being an amusing trope, they are also life lessons that most children in Western society could benefit from.

Although I was introduced to Dinotopia much later in life, I still find the laws to be solid guidelines to live by.  Here's what the Dinotopian laws mean to me.

1. One raindrop raises the sea.  Every decision leads to different outcomes, and even a little effort builds up over time.
2. Survival of all or none.  We rely on those around us for resources and support.  When you become a lone wolf, you only harm yourself. 
3. Weapons are enemies, even to their owners.  As Vito Cornelius said, “Violence begets violence.”  The peaceful resolution is always the most desirable.
4. Give more, take less.  Giving to others is more fulfilling than receiving.
5. Others first, self last.  Patience may be a virtue, but it is also a type of generosity.
6. Observe, listen and learn.  Good listeners learn more and faster than good speakers.
7. Do one thing at a time.  When you divide your focus, you diminish your results.
8. Sing every day.  Recognizing and expressing joy is a freedom to be taken advantage of.  Even if you are not a “good” singer.
9. Exercise imagination.  Like the heart, the imagination must be built up to function well, and those with imagination find a wealth of resources.
10. Eat to live, don’t live to eat.  Adopted from the Weight Watchers motto, this stands true regardless of your weight.
11. Find the light.  Regardless of who or where you are, finding purpose in your life will bring you joy and greater peace.  We may not all be searching for a sun stone, but we all search for meaning.

Saturday Short: Minimalist Life Goals

"I am looking for a dare to be great situation."
- Lloyd Dobler, Say Anything

Being Okay with Not Being Okay

Meditation is not about reaching into some cosmic plane to pull peace to yourself.  It is about observing, acknowledging, and accepting.  In a lot of ways, the process of grief is like meditation.

First, your instinct is to fight the situation - your brain wants to wander and distract you - then, you become frustrated with yourself for not being able to fall easily into meditation.  When you finally achieve the lightness of simply being in your body, breathing, and letting your thoughts go as they come to you, it is much like the final stage of grief: You are not changing the circumstances.  You are simply accepting things as they are.

You don't have to be a master of meditation to feel the benefits of it.  Accept where you are, let it go.  That is the way to improve your skill at meditation.  You cannot force yourself to be better at meditation: you succeed in meditation by letting go of the need to control.

Enough Minimalism

Most people who struggle with the idea of minimalism do so because they see it as living with as little as possible.  However, if minimalism were strictly defined by as little as possible, minimalist art could not exist, as art is not a necessity.  Minimalism is often defined as being limited to only what is necessary.  For example, a minimalist in the country may be “allowed” to own a car, but a city-dwelling minimalist can’t, because public transportation is available.

On my nightstand, I have a small, red, ceramic cat.  By both of these previous definitions of minimalism, I’m not allowed to own this cat, because owning it exceeds necessity.  However, this small ceramic cat provides four functions:

1. Stores my hair elastics.
2. Stores my engagement and wedding ring while I sleep.
3. Prevents my lip balm from rolling off my nightstand.
4. Provides something aesthetically pleasing while completing these tasks.

While a small box, a bowl, or even a disposable plastic baggie could also fulfill at least three of these functions, I choose to keep it because looking at it brings me a little joy.  As a minimalist, I’m not going to go out and collect as many small, red, ceramic cats as I can find.  One is enough.

That, to me, is the definition of Minimalism.  Not as little as possible.  Not only what is necessary.  But that which constitutes enough.

For you, enough might include a collection of vintage sneakers, which you enjoy wearing and looking at.  It may look more like the lifestyle of buddhist monks, who sleep on a simple mat, own one set of clothing, and beg for food every morning.  Whatever your “enough” looks like, remember to be grateful that you have not only what you need but, if you’re like me, what brings you a little joy, too.

Saturday Short: Minimalist Realism

Minimalism will not help you escape your problems; it will, however, give you plenty of time to face them.

Social Security Equals Poverty for All

I believe most people of my generation (35-45) understand that Social Security is a misnomer. Just as the life expectancy for individuals my age has extended from 74 to 78, as of today, Social Security benefits are being pushed back year by year.  Right now, someone born in my generation is expecting to collect Social Security at the age of 67, but it is highly likely that will be pushed back eventually.  Since I was in high school, I have been told not to rely on Social Security for retirement.

Considerations

You are probably asking, “Why should this matter to me?  By the time I retire, I will have put enough money into Social Security that I should be fine.”     Saving 19% of social taxes should put us in a healthy place, shouldn’t it?

There, as Hamlet says, is the rub; Social Security was designed to be a trust fund to benefit an aging population during a time when employment was at an all-time low and the dust bowl was living up to its name.  In 1935, people had lost not only their investments, but their family farms and businesses.  President Roosevelt signed Social Security into action as a short-term way of helping Americans survive until the economy turned around.

Eighty years later, Americans have begun to count on the “government” - meaning current taxpayers - to support them in their old age.  But there’s a problem.  The government has been borrowing from our trust fund for years, and has not been replenishing what was taken.  Add to that the aging “Baby Boomer” generation, who had fewer kids than their parents, and we find ourselves in a progressively top-heavy society.

Fast forward to today.  In 2016, Social Security paid out $916 Billion.  That’s over eighty percent of what the government collected in social income tax.  Social Security payouts account for over 81% of social tax collected, but the average Social Security retirement check is $1,341…$151 a year under the poverty line.

The moral of the story is, if you rely on social security to provide for you after your retirement, even if the government doesn’t do a worse job than they have been doing, you are going to live in poverty after you retire.

Contributions

The average taxpayer pays 7.65% of their gross income into Social Security.  (Self-employed individuals pay over 15% of their income into Social Security, which amounts to highway robbery.)  For a household making $50,000 annually, 7.65% is $3,825, or $318.75 a month.

If you drop $318.75 into investments that gain the “average” rate of 7% from the age of 20 to the age of 67, you have $1,417,028, according to Bankrate.com investment calculators.  A 4% draw on $1.4 million - the standard calculation for living off an investment portfolio - you would get $56,681.12, or $4723.43 a month - 3.5 times as much as you would receive on Social Security.

If you made a slightly better return - let’s say your returns matched the S&P average of 10% - you would have over $4 million.  That’s $160,000 a year if you’re living off a 4% draw.

In other words, if you could invest your money instead of paying for people to retire on it, you could retire comfortably without having to rely on other people to pay your retirement.

Conclusions

Now, do I think Social Security is evil?  No.  In its history, it has helped people keep from starving.  However, that was always its only purpose.  Social Security was created during a financial depression to provide a way for families, and especially the elderly, to eat.  It was never intended as a way to live out long retirement years, and certainly not as a way to retire well.

While I harbor the dream that someday we as a country will move away from Social Security and learn to be savers and investors, I know that day is a long, long way off.  It cannot be hoped for until long after I retire and, probably, die.

But I also know that it is possible to retire without the need for Social Security.  Even if you are like me, and almost in your forties (or even older), you still have the potential to retire a millionaire.  I’ll even help you with the math: $500 a month at the S&P average of 10% gives me slightly over a million dollars in 29 years.  (That’s age 67 for me.)

But do I plan to retire on a million dollars?  Not me.  I’m planning to retire in style.

Facebook Purge

How many friends do you have?  Not people you can call on when you’re having a personal crisis, or who will travel across the country, or world, to go on a trip with you.  Those are best friends.  I’m talking about Facebook friends.

At current count, I have 124 Facebook friends.  That is, acquaintances with whom I’m willing to share private events and introspective thoughts.  Honestly, that number fluctuates on a 6-month basis, because I’m fairly picky about who I include as friends on Facebook.

Biannually, I go through my list of friends and cull anyone with whom I haven’t had some sort of interaction over the past six months: either me liking their posts, them liking my posts, or, heaven forfend, actually commenting on one another’s life events.

Likewise, in my “real” life – that is physical life and not virtual – I am pretty picky about with whom I choose to spend my time.

Which causes me to wonder: how pleasant am I to be around?

In real life, if someone doesn’t like what I’m saying, they can dispute my comments or walk away.  Most people try to avoid constant negativity in conversation, recognizing it makes them unpleasant to be around.  It’s hard to be friendly toward someone who argues the point of clouds having silver linings.

To this end, this month I’m going to perform an audit of my own Facebook posts over the past six months and see how I measure up.  Am I putting a lot of negative out there for my friends and family to know me by, or am I encouraging and expressing gratitude – which is how I feel most of the time.

Do you use your Facebook as a rant outlet or a crappy day meter?  Have you challenged yourself to only posting positive messages?

The Virgin's Guide to Setting Up House

Just recently I was able to set up a new home; the first home Lizard Boy and I purchased together.  It is 1,098 square feet of Paid Cash, All Ours, and Bought Together.  There are still some walls that I would like to paint, and a hole in the bathroom that confirms the need for some remodeling.  But imperfect though it may be, it is completely ours - and complete.

Before this stage in my life, I would likely have gone overboard on the setting up side of home ownership.  Even now, I can’t help feeling we spent more money here and there than I would have, if here and there had been here and now.  Although we had the cash on hand at the time, I would prefer to have a little more cash in the savings account today.

Setting up your own home is an exciting time.  But it is easy to go overboard, especially when setting up your first home.  Big box stores like Ikea and Walmart cater to the idea that you can have a perfect home right now, without investing in high-end pieces.  But the pieces I have purchased from big box stores have virtually all gone over time, and I’ve come to realize the value of saving up for what I really want, instead of buying what I can “afford” right this second.

Here are some categories where you might be tempted to overspend when setting up house, but trust me: living small until you know what you really want is worth the wait in dollars and space.

Cookware - 14 pieces on sale for just $1,149.00!  While the idea of 10 matching pots and pans may get your juices flowing, the reality is you will find your favorite pot and favorite pan and the rest with gather dust in the cabinets.  Instead of buying the whole cow, look for one good frying pan and a multi-purpose pot that you can use the heck out of.  

Bakeware - I am not a baker.  I love baked goods, but the careful chemistry required to create delectable delicacies is simply not my piece of pie.  If you’re a big-time baker, you might need a few more cake pans than I do.  But if you’re just starting off on your own, opt for just a cookie sheet for now, and pick out the cake and pie pans as birthdays and holidays dictate.

Dinnerware - Consider investing in a few pieces bone china, which is sturdier and more versatile than plastic or ceramic, instead of a huge box setting for 24 people. Lizard Boy and I live with a 6-setting set and it hasn’t let us down in the year-and-a-half that we’ve been married.  However, a matching set of dinnerware does help nail down a sense of home, and also encourages you to eat in more during this financially crucial season.  I love our set from Red Vanilla, which was a wedding gift from our friends.  A great feature to this particular brand (with which I have no affiliation), is that you can purchase replacement items individually.  That way, if you break or lose a piece, you can replace it without having to replace the whole set.

Small Appliances - A good friend of mine is still storing a bread maker, pasta machine, and espresso factory in her guest bedroom.  This isn’t a storage sin, but the small appliances on her wedding registry don’t fit in the kitchen of the 2-bedroom apartment that she thought she was going to move out of almost 2 years ago, and still hasn’t.  Once you know a little more about your own cooking habits, you can invest in pieces you know you will benefit from (yes, I own a mid-quality rice cooker and love that thing).  In the meantime.  Get creative with your cooking pot for rice and a mixing bowl for bread.

Dining Furniture - If you’re like me, dreams of elegant dinner parties where crystal and silver shine from the white tablecloth dot your fantasies like flowers in a field.  I have to admit that ninety percent of the time we eat in front of the TV.  If growing up eating dinner with family around the table is a reality for you, I am not telling you not to continue that tradition.  But if you are like many of us, and don’t have dinner parties on a weekly basis, a small table and a couple of chairs, or even a couple of bar stools for the kitchen counter are the more economical way to free up space - and funds - for the young adult party.

Patio Sets - Like the dining suite, a patio set is only as valuable as the number of times you use it.  A couple of chairs are likely to see use, but unless you have a million-dollar ocean view, try making do without the $4,000 lounge set until your lifestyle requires it for company.  And, of course, until  you can pay cash for it.

Knick-Knacks - I’ve seen it too; the precisely “styled” rooms on DIY and HGTV.  And yes, they’re beautiful.  But consider that each item they add - basket, candle holder, and book - costs something and is placed there literally to look pretty.  Add onto it that each item needs to be dusted, and “styling” a room becomes much less appealing.  Instead of shopping for items to fill a space, let empty spaces breathe awhile and live empty.  As you collect memories and memorabilia, let those reminders of your life fill the spaces.  For now, use those spaces to dream, instead of filling them with a fantasy that may not come true.

Pieces Worth the Investment

There are a few things that I’ve learned are worth going ahead and investing in - if you have the cash on hand, of course.  Though these can be big-ticket items, they will have a bigger impact on your day-to-day living than most of the small pieces you will pick up throughout your adventuresome life:

Art - I can’t count the number of posters and prints I have "donated" to Goodwill in my lifetime.  My love of art mislead me to think pretty pictures mean a pretty home.  Since high school, my home has sported themes from nautical to mid-mod to minimalist.  With each change of theme has come a change of artwork, until I landed on the realization that, like beds and sofas, art does not have to match to look good together.  I now only purchase original art pieces, from oils to etchings, and only the pieces that I like regardless of subject matter make the cut. Yes, this means some of my walls are bare. But it means I get to save my pennies until the perfect piece comes my way.

Bed - I really recommend against purchasing an expensive bed frame at this point in your life.  Until you mature into a specific style, a headboard attached to a basic frame is much less costly and simpler to change as your tastes do. Also, if you are single now and get married, you may find that you have a very different style in mind than your spouse. (Cue entry of Lizardboy and his inexplicable affinity for Rustic Spanish style furniture.)  A quality mattress, however, will make all the difference in your rest and health.  The good news is, you don’t have to purchase a $3,000 mattress to sleep well. Mattresses, like computers, improve across the industry at a similar pace.  Make sure you test out a mattress before buying it, and plan to spend a long time lying in a public place. Or opt for a company that offers a 90 or 100-day trial period.

Sofa / Seating - A big heads up on sofas: while it may seem like a great idea to run out and buy a “cheap” sofa from a big box store “just for now,” cheap sofas really aren’t all that cheap, and the ones that are cheap turn out to be very uncomfortable.  Consider buying a used sofa for a hundred bucks or going without for a couple months to save up and buy one that is a) comfortable for your shape and size, b) sized appropriately for your home, c) a wood-frame quality piece that can be reupholstered as time and stains require.

Am I missing anything?  Let me know in the comments.

Practicing Gratitude

Start with one week.  Every morning when you wake up, think of three things for which you are grateful.

Bonus points: Select a new category each morning, ie. People, life experiences, possessions, physical characteristics of your body, holidays, teachers (school or life), etc.

As you go through the day, try to recognize each item you use and how much easier it makes your life.

Practice turning around frustrations:

• If you are frustrated that the traffic is going too slow, remind yourself to be grateful that you have a car, and don’t have to use public transportation.

• If you are annoyed by something not working how you want it to, remind yourself to be grateful that you have other options.

• If you are angry about someone else’s brash comments, remind yourself to be grateful for the value that person provides to your life.

• Even if you cannot think of something positive in a situation, you can always stop, take a deep breath, and be grateful that you are able to breathe and that your heart is still beating.

30 Days of No Spending

I don’t struggle with a lot of impulse shopping, outside of eating out.  My husband and I spent $1,000 on food in a 30-day period between November and December.  That’s 1/5 of my trip cost to Patagonia.  This isn’t about a long-term spending fast.  It’s about being more aware of how much I spend eating out specifically, and buying things in general.

No, Lizard Boy is not required to participate.

Rules:

1. No restaurants.  No fast food, no slow food, no drive-thru, no gas station food.  No eating out.  Period.
2. Shop for groceries when the pantry is empty.  No shopping for groceries because what I have doesn’t look as yummy as when I decided to buy it.
3. No new “necessities.”  We have enough socks, underwear, shirts, jackets, hats, etc.  We don’t need anything that isn’t consumable in January.
4. Practice gratitude.  Instead of fantasizing what it would be like to own something/go on a trip/give a gift, focus on being grateful for what I have, where I’ve been, and who is in my life.